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This one is for Sydney, Carlotta, Teodora and Aura—There's no shame...

We’ve all been there. A friend looks at you with that should I go back to them? expression, and suddenly, you’re on high alert. There’s only one reasonable response: "What the f*ck? That’s a horrible idea—give me your phone."

And yet, if we’re being honest, we’ve all had that thought at some point. The one we don’t like to admit. The maybe we could work it out, maybe this time will be different, maybe they’ve changed thought. My last serious relationship was a masterclass in this. We broke up. We got back together. We broke up again. And then, like a moth to a very toxic flame, I went back one last time before finally accepting the inevitable: it was over, and no amount of reruns would change the ending.

But does that mean getting back with an ex is always a bad idea? Not necessarily. Some of the strongest couples have broken up multiple times before finally figuring it out. And honestly, who can blame them? Our favorite movies, TV shows, and books have convinced us that real love is messy, dramatic, and filled with tearful reunions at train stations.

Why Are We So Obsessed with Going Back?

First, let’s talk about the heartbreak diet. Breakups put us on an emotional detox—one where we suddenly forget every red flag, every argument, and every moment of oh my god, why am I even with them? Instead, our brain plays the greatest hits version of the relationship, a highlight reel carefully edited to remove all the bad parts. Suddenly, the one who made you cry is just the one that got away.

Then, there’s loneliness. Going from us to me is an adjustment, and let’s be real, Saturday nights feel a little colder when there’s no one to text, “What do you want to eat?” only to hear, “I don’t know, you pick.” And of course, there’s the undeniable truth: real connections are rare. It’s not every day you find someone who gets you, who knows how you take your coffee and what song to play when you’re feeling dramatic. Saying goodbye to that kind of familiarity feels unnatural, like throwing away your favorite sweater just because it has a hole in it.

But if we’re really being honest, sometimes it’s not even about the ex. It’s about the idea of them. It’s the hope we had for what they could have been, if only they had loved us the way we needed. If only they had stayed. If only they had chosen us fully. Sometimes, we don’t miss the person—we miss the potential we saw in them.

The Dating Pool is a Swamp

Of course, let’s not ignore the horror show that is modern dating. The apps, the commitment-phobes, the ones who text “wyd” for three weeks straight but won’t make plans. The audacity of men who think a Hinge prompt is a personality trait. The situationships that go nowhere.

Compared to that, your ex doesn’t seem so bad, right? They were at least functional—a fully realized person who knew your favorite takeout order and didn’t ghost you mid-conversation. So, we start to romanticize them. We tell ourselves that maybe the past wasn’t as bad as we remember, that maybe we overreacted, that maybe they have changed. But have they? Or are we just tired of swiping left on men who think “alpha male” is an acceptable way to describe themselves?

Love or Just Déjà Vu?

The truth is, getting back with an ex isn’t always a terrible idea. Some couples really do need a break before they get it right. But most of the time, we’re not running back because we should—we’re running back because we’re scared to move forward. It’s easy to believe there’s only one person out there for us. That this was our shot at love and we blew it. But here’s the thing: there are 8 billion people on this planet. And while real connections may be rare, they’re not once in a lifetime rare.

So, before you text your ex, ask yourself: do you miss them, or do you miss the comfort? Do you love who they are, or do you love who you wanted them to be? Because if it’s the latter, trust me—there’s someone out there who won’t need a second chance to love you right the first time.

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