Can You Be Friends with an Ex?

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For years, I was convinced that I could stay friends with my exes. These men, some of whom I loved deeply and others more affectionately, held a special place in my life. I was lulled into this belief by TV shows and movies where everyone who once loved each other stays best friends for life. I was sure I could also live this “lover to friends” experience. And while with some, exchanging “Happy Birthday” texts remains a tradition, with others, the page has definitely been turned for good.

After a breakup, there’s usually that awkward conversation where someone says, “Let’s stay friends!” And in the moment, it sounds totally reasonable. After all, you’ve shared meaningful moments, gotten to know each other’s quirks, and bonded over countless hours of Netflix. Why throw all that away just because the romantic part didn’t work out? But here’s the catch—being friends with someone you’ve swapped Netflix passwords and kisses with is never as simple as it seems. It’s like convincing yourself that eating three slices of cake is “just a snack”—great in theory, but the reality? Messy.

So, you and your ex agree to meet for coffee. You’re both calm, cool, and totally over each other, right? Except halfway through your oat milk latte, they casually mention they’ve started seeing someone new. And suddenly, the room feels a little warmer, your heart does that weird sinking thing, and you find yourself fake-smiling while internally spiraling. Or, let’s flip the script: you are the one who’s moved on. You bring it up, thinking it’s no big deal, but then there’s this awkward pause, and you can feel the shift. Their “I’m so happy for you” sounds a little too forced, and now both of you are wondering why you thought this friendship thing would be so easy. “Can We Really Do This?”

It’s at this point that most people realize staying friends with an ex is a lot like trying to fit into your favorite jeans from high school—it might happen, but it’s probably going to be uncomfortable. Sure, in some cases, the transition from lovers to friends goes smoothly. Maybe enough time has passed, or maybe the romantic flame wasn’t that intense to begin with. But more often than not, trying to be friends right away just drags out the awkwardness. One of you is still processing feelings, and even if neither of you admits it, there’s that lingering “what if” hanging in the air like a bad Wi-Fi connection.

And, let’s be real: one of the trickiest parts of staying friends with an ex is jealousy. Even if you think you’re totally cool with seeing them happy with someone new, there’s that tiny voice in the back of your mind wondering, “Wait, are they happier now than when we were together?” You start overanalyzing their social media, side-eyeing their new partner, and convincing yourself that their post-breakup glow-up was definitely inspired by you. And what about when you’re the one moving on? Bringing your new partner around your ex-turned-friend? Yikes. Even if everyone’s on their best behavior, it feels like walking a tightrope above a pool of awkward tension.

Of course, there are always exceptions. Some people truly can be friends with their exes, and I tip my hat to those rare unicorns. Maybe the breakup was so mutual that it was almost anticlimactic, or maybe the bond you shared was always more friendship than fiery passion. For me, there are a few exes where wishing each other “Happy Birthday” is about as far as our friendship goes. It’s like the annual check-in to confirm that yes, we still exist, and no, we’re not harboring any deep-seated resentment. And honestly, that’s perfectly fine. It’s a comfortable place to land—like putting a bookmark in a chapter that’s definitely over but was a good read while it lasted. Then, there are the exes with whom the chapter has been firmly closed, locked, and maybe even shredded for good measure. Sometimes, turning the page means moving forward, without glancing back to see if you can salvage a friendship.

If both of you are truly over each other and have no lingering feelings, friendship might work. But let’s be honest—most of us don’t live in a rom-com where exes become besties overnight. In real life, it’s complicated. Emotions are messy, boundaries get blurred, and sometimes, the best way to respect what you had is by letting it go. And if you try it and it turns into a coffee date filled with awkward silences and forced smiles, don’t worry—you’re definitely not alone.

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