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This one is for Sofia - Would you tell your bestie to run?

It’s a universal truth that every friend group has that one person who dates disasters. If you’re sitting there thinking, Not in my group, I have news for you: it’s probably you. But let’s not point fingers—because even if you’re not the disaster dater, you’ve probably been the designated "red flag whisperer," catching toxic traits in your bestie's new flame faster than they can say, “But he’s different with me.”

Why is it, though, that when it’s our turn to date, we suddenly develop emotional myopia? I can identify a walking red flag from miles away when it’s someone else’s romance. He’s rude to the waiter? Red flag. She refuses to share passwords but wants full access to yours? Red flag. He says, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” but you catch your friend doodling her married last name on a napkin? Major red flag. But when it comes to my love life, I’m like a detective who forgot her magnifying glass.

The Outsider’s Advantage

When you’re on the outside looking in, the red flags in your friend’s love life practically glow like neon signs. That guy who “doesn’t believe in labels”? He might as well be wearing a T-shirt that says, I’m emotionally unavailable, but thanks for the free therapy. The girl who’s constantly "too busy" to make plans? She’s waving a crimson banner that says, You’re Plan B. But when it’s not your relationship, you can see it for what it is. You’re not emotionally invested. You’re not being seduced by sweet words, fleeting moments of affection, or the absolute black hole of charm some people seem to wield. You’re objective because you’re detached.

When It’s You, Objectivity Goes Out the Window

The second we step into the romantic spotlight, it’s like we’re auditioning for the role of Romantic Optimist #1. Suddenly, every glaring red flag becomes a misunderstood shade of blush. He doesn’t text back for days? Oh, he’s just super busy with work. She avoids introducing you to her friends? She’s probably just private. They cancel plans last-minute with a vague excuse? Well, they did say they’re working on themselves. We let our imaginations turn red flags into cute quirks. Why? Because admitting a flaw in the person we’re into means admitting that the fantasy we’ve built around them might not hold up. And we love our fantasies, don’t we?

The Rose-Colored Glasses Effect

When you’re wearing rose-colored glasses, the red flags don’t look red—they just blend right in. You tell yourself you’re giving someone a chance, but really, you’re giving them a free pass to treat you in ways that you’d never let slide if it were your friend in the same position. Maybe it’s because deep down, we all want to believe we’re the exception. That we can fix them. That our love will break through their emotional walls. It’s a lovely sentiment, but spoiler alert: fixing someone isn’t love; it’s emotional heavy lifting disguised as romance.

Your Red Flag Radar

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: spotting red flags in your own relationships means breaking up with denial. It means asking yourself some hard questions:
Would I be okay with my best friend dating someone who treated them this way?
Am I excusing behavior that I would call out in someone else?
Am I clinging to potential instead of reality?
And yes, it’s hard to answer these questions honestly when you’re busy floating on clouds of dopamine and dreams of your couple’s Halloween costume. But remember, love doesn’t blind us—it’s we who choose to close our eyes.

Being emotionally available, compassionate, and willing to see the best in people are beautiful traits. But they’re not excuses to ignore the glaring signs that something isn’t right. The next time you’re about to dive headfirst into a questionable romance, think of yourself as the friend on the sidelines. Because while love can be a wonderful journey, you shouldn’t have to navigate it through a minefield of red flags.

Sometimes, you just need to remind yourself to listen to your inner “red flag whisperer."

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