Friends with Ex-Benefits

© Colonne

This one’s for Runa—girl, you seem to like playing with fire...

There’s a certain thrill to the idea of “keeping it casual” with someone who once had a starring role in your life. You’ve been there, done that, and now, you’re tempted to do it all over again—but this time, no strings attached. Friends with benefits: it sounds so simple, almost elegant. But when the friend in question happens to be your ex, “elegant” might be the last word to describe it.

We live in a world where staying “friendly” with an ex is almost encouraged. Social media makes it all too easy. We can check their stories, “like” their posts, and scroll through their new adventures as if they’re a favorite Netflix character. But what happens when staying friendly shifts into staying… intimate?

I found myself contemplating this the other day when a friend confessed she’d been texting her ex with intentions that had little to do with brunch catch-ups or movie nights. “Is it a bad idea?” she asked, wide-eyed and hopeful, as if I held the sacred answer. And maybe I didn’t have it, but I did have some questions. I mean, in a universe where we’re told to “move on,” what are we doing dipping our toes back in that familiar pool?

And we gravitate toward exes for a reason. Familiarity is comforting, especially when it comes to intimacy. You know their quirks, their bad jokes, the exact way their hand feels in yours. It’s an easy comfort, a shortcut that saves you the time and emotional risk of learning someone new. Plus, ex-sex comes with a certain thrill—the forbidden fruit but with all the backstory.

And if you’re both clear-headed adults, maturely agreeing that you’re “just having fun,” it seems like it could work, right? After all, we’re not the teenagers we once were. Maybe we can do casual. Maybe we’ve “outgrown” the drama that comes with seeing an ex. Maybe we can handle it. Or so we tell ourselves. But there’s a reason why “friends with ex-benefits” is more rom-com plot twist than relationship advice. Even the most “modern” of us struggle when faced with rekindled attraction and old feelings that we thought we’d buried. After all, there’s a reason you broke up in the first place, isn’t there?

In a perfect world, we could all handle no-strings intimacy. But we’re wired for connection, for closeness, for wanting more. And with an ex, it’s far too easy to fall back into old patterns, replay old memories, and wonder if, just maybe, this time it could be different. That’s when the complications roll in, quietly but assuredly, like the tide.

The hard truth? Exes come with history. No matter how “over it” you think you are, that shared past can be a powerful undertow. One moment, you’re just two consenting adults sharing a casual evening, and the next, you’re wondering why they haven’t texted back. Because, let’s face it: old flames don’t die easily. And what happens when one of you starts wanting more?

For some, friends with ex-benefits might work. If both of you genuinely see it as a chapter closed, it could be the best of both worlds. But if even a sliver of you is still tied to “what ifs,” then you’re playing with fire. Because when it comes to exes, sometimes the heart has its own agenda, no matter how much our brain tells us to “keep it casual.” So, before you let yourself walk down memory lane with your ex—without the relationship strings but with a few extra benefits—ask yourself: are you ready for the ride, or are you just setting yourself up for a detour into heartbreak?

Maybe the real question isn’t whether it’s a good idea but rather: how much are you willing to risk for something that already ended once? After all, if it didn’t work out the first time, what are the odds it will work out as “just fun”? As much as we’d like to think we can have it all, some things are best left in the past.

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