"I recently started university with practically 0 romantic relationships and want to start one, but it is so hard to go up to a guy first! Often women are told to never chase but to attract, and not to make the first move... however if I actually do listen to this advice I fear I will be waiting" forever. Every self help guide tells me to simply focus on myself and then the right one will come along, but seriously I spent most of my time on myself anyway! The usual advice is contradictory!"
Eva

Every other week, I explore your questions on love, life, and the moments that stay with you. Looking for advice? Share your story with me here.

One day, I did something that would genuinely horrify some of my girlfriends: I made the first move. A real one. Not a subtle Instagram story like. Not “accidentally” appearing near him three times in one evening. I mean an actual bold move.

I saw a man I found incredibly attractive, figured out his last name through methods I will absolutely not disclose for legal and feminist reasons, discovered he wasn’t on social media, and emailed him. Yes. An email. Like a woman in a 2003 romantic comedy with nothing left to lose. And honestly? I’m glad I did it.

Not because he became the love of my life. He didn’t. We met, had drinks, talked… and realized very quickly that we had absolutely nothing in common. No magical spark. No cinematic chemistry. Just two attractive strangers politely realizing the fantasy worked better than the reality. But the experience itself stayed with me because it made me realize how uncomfortable people still are with women making the first move. Some of my friends reacted like I had committed a federal crime against femininity.

“If he wanted to, he would.”

“I would never text a man first.”

“You’re giving him too much power.”

And I understand where that fear comes from. Women are taught constantly not to appear too eager, too available, too interested. We’re told confidence is attractive, but only in carefully measured doses. Enough to be desirable, never enough to be perceived as “chasing.” But honestly? I don’t think making the first move is chasing. I think it’s choosing.

There’s something very freeing about deciding you’d rather know than spend six months romanticizing a stranger who may literally just have good eye contact. Because if I hadn’t emailed him, I probably would’ve turned him into some impossible fantasy in my head. Instead, I got clarity. And clarity is underrated in modern dating. I also think men are often more receptive to this than women expect. Every man I told this story to was surprised, but in a positive way. They found it bold. Refreshing. Confident. Which honestly makes sense, because rejection is terrifying for everyone, not just us.

So should women make the first move? I think if you want to, yes. Absolutely.

Not because you’re desperate. Not because you need validation. But because life is too short to let ego make decisions your heart wants to make. Will it always work out? Obviously not. Sometimes you’ll get ignored. Sometimes there’ll be no chemistry. Sometimes you’ll cringe a little afterward while dramatically replaying the entire interaction in bed at 1 a.m. But personally? I think regret is far more embarrassing than honesty.

And there’s something incredibly powerful about being able to say: at least I tried.

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