"I’ve liked this boy for a year and a half and we’ve been really good friends throughout that time. We finally started seeing each other this past month. We spoke about what this was going to be and he said he didn’t want long distance but we’d go with the flow until I moved back to uni and now has completely acted like I was just a fwb when he knew I liked him and he said he liked me too. I’ve finally woken up and realised all the red flags I’ve ignored this whole time and I’m so glad I’ve decided to move on despite him insisting he hasn’t been leading me on. How do I move on with the loss of the relationship ?"
Sophie

Every other week, I explore your questions on love, life, and the moments that stay with you. Looking for advice? Share your story with me here.

I genuinely believe every friend group has one person who can identify a toxic man within approximately four seconds. He says “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now” and suddenly she turns into an FBI profiler.

But the funny part is that those same women will meet someone themselves and immediately lose all critical thinking abilities. Suddenly the red flags become “mixed signals,” “bad timing,” or everyone’s favorite delusion: potential. Because when it’s someone else’s relationship, we’re objective. We’re detached. We’re not distracted by chemistry, attraction, or the fact that he smells really good and made eye contact twice. We see the situation clearly because our emotions aren’t involved. But when we like someone? It’s over.

A man ignores us for three days and instead of calling it inconsistency, we start writing psychological essays in our heads explaining why he’s probably just overwhelmed. He avoids commitment? Suddenly we’re convinced he’s “emotionally wounded” instead of emotionally unavailable.

I think part of the problem is that we desperately want to believe we’ll be the exception. The woman who finally makes him communicate better. The relationship that changes him. The magical connection that suddenly heals all his unresolved issues. Very romantic. Very exhausting.

And honestly, attraction makes people incredibly forgiving. We accept behavior we would absolutely hate for our friends because when feelings are involved, logic becomes a part-time employee.

That’s why one of the best questions you can ask yourself while dating is: Would I be okay with my best friend accepting this? Because sometimes we protect our friends better than we protect ourselves.

I also think women confuse empathy with tolerance far too often. Being understanding is beautiful. But understanding someone’s behavior does not automatically mean you should accept it. Just because you know why someone treats you poorly doesn’t mean you deserve it.

And unfortunately, red flags rarely look dramatic in the beginning. They usually arrive disguised as charm, inconsistency, mystery, emotional unavailability, or “he’s just complicated.”

But deep down, most of us know. The signs are usually there very early. We just hope love will somehow make them disappear. Spoiler: it almost never does.

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