Where Do Men Find the Audacity?

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This one is for Laura, my girl, I got you.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. You meet a guy, and suddenly, it’s fireworks. He’s all heart-eyes, texting you nonstop, and you’re seeing each other so much that the barista at your local coffee shop starts asking, "Do you want two coffees today, or just one for the lovebirds?" Everything’s going great… until it’s not.

Then comes the moment. After three glorious weeks of non-stop dates and declarations of undying affection—like "I can easily see myself being with you for the rest of my life", because apparently, he’s got a lifetime plan mapped out by week three—he begins to pull a Houdini. Out of nowhere, he starts replying to your texts like they’re coming in on a two-day delay, and the once "I can’t wait to see you" energy turns into “Sorry, I’m really swamped right now.” Swamped? With what? We’re talking about a guy who just told you he could spend forever with you, but suddenly, he’s being crushed under the imaginary weight of emails?

Cue the classic excuse: “I’m really busy with work right now, so I think we should slow things down.” Ah, the universal language of the modern-day ghoster. What’s more confusing than a guy disappearing like Casper? The fact that he does it after practically proposing to you over cocktails three days earlier. It’s as if he was browsing wedding venues on Tuesday and drowning in spreadsheets by Wednesday. And like any mature, self-respecting woman, you let him go. You nod, smile, and move on with your life, because, after all, we’ve seen this episode before, haven’t we? You tell yourself, “He’s not ready,” and even though you know it’s complete nonsense, you gracefully take the high road. But here’s the thing about ghosters: they don’t just disappear forever. No, no. They have a special talent—one that involves showing up again at the most inconvenient times, just when you’ve forgotten their existence.

Fast forward two months. You’re living your best life, thriving, and barely remembering his last name. And then, out of the blue, he reappears like a zombie from the social media graveyard, liking your Instagram story. You pause. Interesting. But it gets worse. The next thing you know, there it is in your DMs: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you. Why don’t we hang out?” Oh, the AUDACITY. Suddenly, your phone is in your hand, and before you know it, you’ve screenshot the message and fired it off to the group chat, because let’s be real, this is peak content. Your girlfriends respond with the appropriate level of outrage and eye-roll emojis. “Can you believe this guy?” one of them asks. Another one drops, “What kind of delusional planet do these men come from?” You laugh because you know they’re right.

Thinking about you? Really? Where was that thoughtful energy two months ago when he was too busy to respond to a simple “How’s your day going?” It’s like these men have an internal alarm clock that goes off the moment you’ve finally moved on. Ding ding ding! Time to slide back into her life and see if she’s still available! And somehow, they all use the same recycled playbook. "Hey, I've been thinking about you," as if those five words will magically erase the last two months of silence. He conveniently forgets the fact that he ghosted you and assumes you’ve just been sitting around waiting for his return like a well-behaved extra in the movie of his life. What’s worse? The nerve of thinking that a simple message is going to get them back in the door. It’s like someone ghosting a dinner party and then showing up two hours late with chips, expecting everyone to be thrilled.

Of course, you’re not falling for it this time. The minute you see that message, you know what to do: summon the council—your girl group chat. There’s something deeply satisfying about breaking down the sheer audacity of a ghoster with your closest friends. It’s like a modern-day tribunal, but with memes and exaggerated gifs of rolling eyes. They’ll all give their input: “Girl, don’t even think about replying.” “The audacity of this man is unparalleled.” “Can we talk about how they all have the same script?!” In the end, after the group chat does its magic, you laugh it off and delete the message. Because deep down, you know what he’s doing. He’s trying to sneak back into your life like a sequel no one asked for.

So, can we really blame them for trying? Yes, yes we can. But also, maybe we can pity them just a little. Because while they’re stuck repeating the same patterns—coming back to us with half-hearted “I’ve been thinking about you” messages—we’re out here living our best lives, surrounded by people who know how to actually communicate. The moral of the story? When a ghoster slides into your DMs after months of silence, just remember: you’re the star of your own show. And in this show, there’s no room for guest stars who don’t know their lines. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a group chat to update.

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