"If I can hate my ex, why can’t I hate the sex I had with him too? This is honestly heartbreaking for me. Maybe it even sounds ridiculous. My relationship with him was unhealthy, a complete red flag. I didn’t even like who I was when I was with him. I’m happier without him in every possible way now, and yet… I still think about him. Or maybe not him exactly. Maybe I miss the excitement, the desire, the way he once made me feel so happy I thought my heart would burst. Is that wrong? How does this end? Will I keep romanticizing this painful past until I experience something new with someone else? Is everyone like this?"
Nilay

Every other week, I explore your questions on love, life, and the moments that stay with you. Looking for advice? Share your story with me here.

I think one of the oldest double standards in existence is the way society talks about sex for men versus sex for women. Men are taught that wanting sex is natural, funny, almost expected. Women, meanwhile, are still somehow expected to turn every sexual experience into a moral or emotional statement. As if women can’t just want sex because they… want sex. Revolutionary concept, apparently.

There’s also this very persistent idea that women are always emotionally attached after intimacy, while men can separate feelings from sex effortlessly. And honestly? I think that’s far more cultural than biological. Some women absolutely connect sex with emotions and love, and that’s beautiful. Others don’t. Some men get attached immediately. Others disappear before the Uber even arrives. Human beings are simply more complicated than the stereotypes we keep recycling.

What fascinates me most is how differently society reacts depending on who’s behaving sexually. A man with experience is desirable, confident, experienced. A woman with the exact same behavior still risks being judged for it. Even now. Even in supposedly modern spaces. And I think that’s why so many women feel conflicted about their sexuality. We’re constantly receiving opposite messages. Be desirable, but not “too much.” Be sexy, but respectable. Be experienced, but innocent enough to still feel “special.” It’s exhausting.

Personally, I don’t think sex has one universal meaning for women. Or for men, honestly. For some people it’s emotional, for others it’s physical, validating, comforting, exciting, distracting, intimate, messy, empowering, disappointing… sometimes all within the same month.

The real issue is not how women experience sex. It’s the fact that society still feels so entitled to define what our relationship to it should look like. Because at the end of the day, your sexuality is not a morality test. Wanting sex does not make you less respectable. Not wanting it does not make you boring. Casual sex doesn’t automatically make someone emotionally empty, and emotional sex doesn’t automatically make someone naïve.

I think the healthiest thing a woman can do is stop asking what sex is “supposed” to mean and start deciding what it means for her personally. That freedom scares people more than anything else.

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