"I’ve always been insecure about my physical appearance. Even though, throughout my life, I’ve experienced displays of affection and attraction from men, I’ve never truly believed that I could be attractive or lovable. Is that why I’m still single? And if so, how can I change the way I see myself?"
Alya

Every other week, I explore your questions on love, life, and the moments that stay with you. Looking for advice? Share your story with me here.

I think a lot more women feel this way than we admit out loud. Especially because insecurity is strange like that. You can receive compliments, attention, affection, proof that people find you beautiful… and still not believe any of it yourself. It’s almost like there are two realities happening at the same time. The way people see you, and the way you see yourself. And unfortunately, the second one usually wins.

I also think women are taught from a very young age that beauty is something to constantly question. There’s always something to fix. Something to improve. Something to compare. We grow up looking at perfect faces online while staring at ourselves in fluorescent bathroom lighting wondering why we don’t look effortlessly stunning at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday. Of course it affects us. But I don’t think being insecure automatically explains why you’re single. Some of the most insecure people I know are in relationships, and some incredibly confident women are single. Love is honestly far too chaotic to reduce it to one explanation.

What insecurity can affect, though, is the way you accept love when it comes. Sometimes when we don’t feel lovable, we struggle to believe people’s intentions are genuine. We overthink compliments. We assume rejection before anything even starts. We shrink ourselves without realizing it. And the saddest part is that insecurity often has very little to do with how you actually look. I’ve met stunning women who genuinely believe they are difficult to love. Meanwhile, other people walk through life with average haircuts and unbelievable confidence. The difference is rarely beauty itself. It’s perception.

I also think there’s this myth that confidence suddenly appears one morning like a personality transplant. But usually confidence is built very slowly, through small moments. Through the way you speak to yourself. Through the people you surround yourself with. Through learning that your value cannot depend entirely on whether someone chooses you romantically or not.

Because being lovable and being chosen are not the same thing. The most attractive people are rarely the most physically perfect ones. They’re the people who seem comfortable being themselves. The people who let themselves laugh loudly, flirt badly, take up space, exist naturally. There’s something magnetic about people who stop apologizing for existing.

So no, I don’t think you’re single because you’re insecure. And I definitely don’t think you need to become flawless before someone can love you. I just think you deserve to see yourself with a little more softness. Because chances are, people have already been seeing beauty in you for a very long time.

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